Do any of you have any regrets?

I was reading an article on OCD and dating ( Yes, I was curious >.> ), but I feel that the advice given in the article can help close friendships with people that have OCD as well.

I was reading an email that made its way around the office about the things women say and what they really mean. For men reading this article, you know what those emails are; they're chain letter decoder rings. For the women reading this article, please keep writing those chain letters because any little tidbit of advice in the dating world is sorely needed. Maybe not by everyone, maybe just by me; but, Lord in Heaven, it is certainly helpful to me.

...


Let's jump into it. It has come to my attention that girls and guys alike often answer every single question you throw at them with “Fine.” Sometimes this produces a comical result; but more often than it should, this results in sheer disaster. Fine is a very dangerous word. When used in a sentence to convey how you are feeling it gives this vague impression that everything is okay. While it's not necessarily the business of other people, in my own experience, OCD relationships require the ability of both partners to tell the other person that he or she is not fine. I'll get into this a little later.

OCD is characterized by worrying. When you ask your girlfriend or boyfriend if everything is “okay” because you have that sinking hollow feeling in your stomach, and he/she replies with a small silence and a quick “Fine,” you know, because you aren't stupid and possibly because you've read the email that went around the office, that he/she is possibly anything but; and “fine” isn't one of the words that could be honestly used to describe the situation.

When I can't get at what's going on in my relationship, it eats away at me. This is normal, I should mention. That's why giving advice on managing relationships with OCD is so tricky, so important, and so confusing. Like I said, dating can be scary stuff.

So what do you do when your partner is “fine?” If you're like me, you panic. I have spent sleepless nights going over each and every meticulous detail of the week surrounding the “fine” event and found that the only thing I've managed to do is elevate my blood temperature and pressure. This is hard to avoid, especially for some archetypes of OCD, where reassurance-seeking is a key symptom.

Another situation that was addressed, accidentally, by this office chain letter was the answer, “Don't worry about it.” Forgive me, but to the author of that email, “What? Are you stupid?” We OC folks are better at worrying than almost any other group of people in the world. If you tell us not to worry about it, chances are, we have already worried for six or seven hours to make sure that we had a good head start before you could even utter the words “Don't worry about it.” This is a pointless, ridiculous, and sort of insulting statement.

Now this raises a question or quandary that is not unique to OCD but is certainly exacerbated by it: Many of these generic answers are designed to be used quickly and defensively. While it's our natural tendency as Obsessive-Compulsives to seek out the truth and the most detailed truth at that, sometimes, people need space; and it is anything if not difficult to give them this space and properly balance oneself.

The bullet proof vest for this situation is to take a moment to explain to your partner that you will give him or her space when he/she requests it. This being said, emphasize that because of how you usually deal with situations, this is hard for you, and therefore will require honesty. Explain that you expect that if you are in a situation where someone is just not interested in talking or needs some privacy, s/he will tell you so and do so without requiring mind reading.

Just, you know, replace any reference to "your boyfriend or girlfriend" with "your friend."

Full article is here, although what I copy/pasted is really the meat and bones of the article.


I know some of you think I worry too much, but I can't really help that. But if I know that what you say is what you mean and the truth, and that you will tell me when you need space, I would be eternally grateful. Even if you don't want to talk to me about something, please don't say that everything is 'fine.' I will respect your wish to not talk to me and to give you space. But, contrary to what you might think, knowing that something is wrong is a HELL of a lot better than thinking that something MIGHT be wrong. No, I won't stop worrying, but I will worry a lot less.

Remember my journal from last year? Where I asked if you guys thought OCD was an illness or a part of someone's personality?

My psychiatrist recommended a book to me about OCD. (A book I highly recommend to anyone out there who suffers from OCD and wants to know more, a friend or relative of someone who has OCD, or for anyone that just wants to know more about this disorder.)

Turns out that OCD isn't a psychological disorder, but rather a neurobiological disorder, meaning that it's comparable to diseases such as diabetes. There's something physically wrong with how my brain handles certain thoughts.

The book is very informative and was written by a psychiatrist who treats OCD patients and even suffers from OCD himself. To help the reader understand the different types of OCD, he presents 4 cases that he helped treat. First he describes his first encounter with those patients and describes the symptoms they had. In a later chapter about the treatments available, we see some of the progress the patients made (Each of which now have coped with their disorder and can now lead normal lives). He also explains the two things that make up OCD: obsessions and compulsions.

Obsessions aren't what you probably think they are. Clinically, obsessions are "recurrent and persistent thoughts that are experienced as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress." The author goes into detail about the 4 main qualities of clinical obsessions: Intrusive, recurrent, unwanted, and inappropriate. In other words, these thoughts I have? I don't want them. They come at any time, no matter what I'm doing. They don't make sense to me; I would never do some of the things that I sometimes think of doing.

Compulsions may be something you've never never really thought about. We've all used the term to describe doing something in excess, like compulsively planning for something. However, the common clinical definition is that a compulsion is "a repetitive act that is performed according to rules that must be applied rigidly." The author offers an alternative definition to show the relationship between obsessions and compulsions: A compulsion is a repetitive act that is clearly excessive and is performed in order to lessen the discomfort of an obsession. Compulsions are an "easy way out." They may immediately get rid of the obsession or lessen the anxiety at the time, but ultimately they make obsessions worse. But OCD sufferers see no other way out other than performing their compulsions.



The book has helped me understand more about OCD than I thought I'd ever know. A question that has been haunting me has finally been answered: Will I ever be cured?
The answer: No. OCD, again, is like some diabetes. The symptoms can be controlled, but I'll always have OCD.



And I think I can live with that.





I think the real reason I brought this book up is because I've been really frustrated with some friends (One or two in particular) that think it's psychological and that it's just a matter of willpower. To me, those attitudes seem condescending and made me feel weak. Like I wasn't strong enough to overcome these silly thoughts that completely debilitate me. In a sense, it is a matter of willpower, but OCD sufferers have a major disadvantage.

Everybody (in a general sense) gets these thoughts that are completely out of character or are completely unrealistic. Thoughts like a loved one being harmed in some unrealistic way, harming another person for no reason, or even sexual thoughts that you'd never do (Of course, like I said before, I'm speaking in a general sense. Some of you may never have some of those thoughts, or you may have other thoughts that I haven't mentioned.). People without OCD simply see these thoughts as silly or not true, and push them aside and never think about them again.

With OCD, it's very different. I won't go into detail about one of the theories as to why it's different, though. Basically, OCD sufferers can't push those thoughts aside and thus become anxious or distressed. We can't forget about them; they keep coming back, stronger than before. The only way out of the obsession for us, for some unknown reason, is to perform compulsions, which can take the form of just about anything.



If you want to know more, I strongly recommend picking up this book. You don't even have to read the whole thing, if you don't want to. It's easy to just pick up the book and start reading at a later chapter that has information you want to know about.

( Sorry for the wall of text. )

Let me apologize to begin with.
Let me apologize for what I’m about to say.
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed.
Somehow I got caught up in between
(What's real and what's make believe)



I'll be out for awhile. I need to find myself (and change myself). Several things have come up in the past 4 or 5 months, and I need to re-evaluate some things.

I might stop by to see how things are going.



I hope you guys enjoy the holidays.


~K.

_{the stars are jealous of your shine}